I love myself. I used to say this phrase once upon a time. Yes, once upon a time, until I can't remember when was the last time. This was a way I showed my confident, an expression of believing in myself. But now, what's up? I hate myself. Really. I've been lost and not trusting myself anymore for quite long period of time. Keep asking myself, what am I doing? Not because of I don't really know, in fact, I lost the direction. I can't see the target, aiming nothing. Instead of that, I should know what do I want; I have no answer. I hate myself can't complete a task as expected; hate myself lost my self-discipline; hate I'm always overestimate myself; hate I can't be a person I want to be. After all, I realized I do need someone else to be with me. I thought I'm independent, seems like I'm wrong. I'm now discomfort with people trusting me, knowing me as a strong and though person that can overcome any problem on my own. Deep in my heart, I'm saying, 'I'm not as good as you thought, man.' I may feel guilty with the trust, or disappoint your expectation, I'm not sure, but definitely not been encouraged. Sorry, I need understanding. I try to be crazy. The craziness doesn't mean do something that not sensible. It is just something quite normal but never think it will be done by me. The crazy may make me feel alive, yet, surviving with problematic and struggling life that I bring for myself. Perhaps, the challenges make me feel more failure. Shouldn't I hit myself to the bottomless and awaiting of bouncing back?
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