If Tomorrow Never Come

Sometimes, I'll ask myself, if there is no tomorrow, what will I do today? Will I regret for something that not done?

Here, I've been three years. If everything going smoothly, if I only want to get a degree certificate, if I don't like study anymore, if I won't come back here next year.... What have I achieved over these year? I may not have good academic achievement, I may not expand my social network, I may not do any improvement apparently. But, I will say, all I've paid is worth for all I have now.

Sounds kinda early to do so called year review that I never do every year. Anyway, I keep reminding myself this year is the fifth year I away from home. What exactly a five year means? How an environment change me; how an obstacle change me. Though, is a special year for me. I met a different me. Sometimes, I think this is the worst of me. Sometimes, I feel disappointed of myself. It's not about any bad thing happens on me but about my reaction and strength of overcoming a problem.

I never know I can be so terrible. Whoever only know me this year, unfortunately, meet the worst of me. I thought I was prepared to present a better me. After all, just realized that confident overwhelmed me and my egoism tackle me. And I lost them totally.

Somehow, I try to assume won't be back, what will I do before I leave.

我是损友？

人家都说，真朋友就是，

在你无助时扶你一把；

在你失落时陪伴着你；

在你迷茫时引导着你。

他们不客气的命令你；

他们不保留的开你玩笑；

他们不犹豫地骂醒你。

也许，他们说的是忠言且逆耳；

也许，他们怕你受伤；

也许，他们担心你失去自我。

他们真的在乎你。

我在乎，我会担心，但我不会阻止，既是对大多数人而言是错的。

也许对别人而言是盲目，我会继续支持。

就算到最后受了伤，别人会说，忘记吧；我会希望，不要忘记。

别人会努力的疗伤，我会希望不要拒绝疤痕。

很多人都会说，记得忘记，以为忘记就可以放下；但，或好或坏都是回忆，只属于自己那独特的记忆。真正放得下是可以心无涟漪的回忆，并会心一笑，感谢那些点缀你的生命。

朋友，我不选择做一巴掌打醒你的真朋友，我只选择做接受你一切过错的损友。

回来

是期盼，是等待；

是动力，是鼓励；

是放手，是舍不得。

一个词承载的意义，

背负着关怀与希望，

诠释了不变的感情。

What's on My Mind

There's something that I need to overcome. Over these days, I understand, bad luck come along with scare and fright; good luck come along with confident and courage. Gift is only given to whom ready to accept. I know, I know right. But this doesn't mean that I know how to overcome the obstacles. I don't know what should I do. People think I like to travel alone, I enjoy. But, mainly, I want to dumb myself in a scary and insecure condition; let myself facing the loneliness and fear. I found, I'm tough, in front of people; I never show my weakness to anyone; I never ask for help even I don't have a solution. This is dangerous, I know. What all these for? I try to find something that can stimulate me, inspire me to pass through. I will feel all my experiences and journeys will be wasted if I can't overcome this time. Keep reminding myself, what I'm here for, why I want to leave a lovely home. Others may have terrific target, may aim for greatness; but I only think of myself, I want to be perfect. I want to leave an overprotected life; but after all, I'm overprotected by myself. I need to free from my own cage, but what should I do.

You may think why I'm writing this kind of post recently. Not because these life's events only happen now, not because this is the only way I can express, not even I desperately need understanding. I always say to myself, I don't mind nobody can understand me; but I do mind I don't understand my friends who I care about. I do mind my friends never share their happiness and sadness with me. So now I decided, let who care about me to understand me. Because you deserve.

悬挂着的闪光

夜空中的星星，像悬挂在天边的灯火；

仿佛天边有另一个城市，在等着谁的归来。

星星，只不过是宇宙间的一团尘土；
如果对着星星许愿会实现
那天边的他方是否也在对着我们这尘土祈祷。

如果向划过天边的流星许愿可成真；
那我愿昙花一现，消逝在那瞬间。

如果我觉得这些宇宙的尘土很漂亮；
那边是否也在欣赏我这尘埃的美。

Mamori まもり

Omamori 在日语是护身符，mamori 是守护。

守护不同保护，它是精神支柱。

它给的不是安全，是安全感；

它看不见，可是感受得到。

它未必时时刻刻在身边，可是已经在心间。

有守护者是幸运的；

是如影随形的影子，

是黑暗里的月光，

是冰冷的手中握着的热咖啡。

守护着人是幸福的；

拥有存在的价值，

学会在迷茫中清醒，

找到坚持的勇气。

Not Love Anymore

I love myself. I used to say this phrase once upon a time. Yes, once upon a time, until I can't remember when was the last time. This was a way I showed my confident, an expression of believing in myself. But now, what's up? I hate myself. Really. I've been lost and not trusting myself anymore for quite long period of time. Keep asking myself, what am I doing? Not because of I don't really know, in fact, I lost the direction. I can't see the target, aiming nothing. Instead of that, I should know what do I want; I have no answer. I hate myself can't complete a task as expected; hate myself lost my self-discipline; hate I'm always overestimate myself; hate I can't be a person I want to be. After all, I realized I do need someone else to be with me. I thought I'm independent, seems like I'm wrong. I'm now discomfort with people trusting me, knowing me as a strong and though person that can overcome any problem on my own. Deep in my heart, I'm saying, 'I'm not as good as you thought, man.' I may feel guilty with the trust, or disappoint your expectation, I'm not sure, but definitely not been encouraged. Sorry, I need understanding.  I try to be crazy. The craziness doesn't mean do something that not sensible. It is just something quite normal but never think it will be done by me. The crazy may make me feel alive, yet, surviving with problematic and struggling life that I bring for myself. Perhaps, the challenges make me feel more failure. Shouldn't I hit myself to the bottomless and awaiting of bouncing back?

偶尔的假假感性

渐渐的，愿意给人看到的是越来越表面的自己；

渐渐的，愿意让人了解的是越来越不明确的抒发。

越来越多的图片，越来越少的文字；

只为了留些想象空间，让别人自己看图说故事，

自己的故事也好，幻想也无所谓，精彩就好。

归根究底，渴望的是纯粹的知心；

当时的心情，当下的感动；

可以感同身受。

Tomodachi (ともだち)

朋友在心中的位置应有多重？ 

到了什么阶段才能列为朋友？

如果说，家人像空气，如影随形却感觉不到；

情人像阳光，给予温暖和光明；

那朋友就像水，不可缺少但容易被忽略。

一起吃喝玩乐，一个傻的，一个疯的； 对！那是朋友。

两肋插刀，赴汤蹈火；那是有义气的朋友。

通宵畅谈；听你哭诉；那是知心朋友。

可是，你却不会常常想起他们；

不会为他们牺牲，不会为他们花太多的心思。

只有伤心难过，无聊寂寞时，才会记得他们的存在。

Most of the time, when a person is facing a problem,

they have their own solution in their mind.

All they need is not a counselor, but a listener.

They are not looking for suggestion, but an agreement.

Friends, this is what I am here for.

到底要什么

很多人都只知道自己不要什么，却不清楚自己想要什么。一昧的拒绝才抱怨不曾拥有。不去尝试又如何深入了解，又如何知道什么是自己想要的。

生命的旅程就是一次又一次冒险；冒险就是边走边发掘新事物、新体会。 冒险的过程必定会跌倒受伤，会经历恐惧害怕、裹足不前。该继续，该放弃，该前进，该转弯；影响着下段路的每一步并没有对与错。只是最终会得到什么而让人犹豫不决。

怕受伤，怕冒险，只会让恐惧越发强大。踏出第一步就要有走下去的准备，除了前进，可以转弯甚至后退，就一定不能停下。停在半途，更难受更危险。

自然的声音

有时候，莫名其妙的喜欢听着不懂语言的歌曲，感受音乐表达的情绪。

有时候，很享受原住民的山歌和朗诵，想象着回到人类最原始的时候。

语言只为了更明确的表达，深透其中的意义与真实，还是要用心聆听。

被人们归类为原住民的他们，是那么的欣赏自己，坚持真实。

很多人都认为大自然的声音就是身在森林中的虫鸣鸟叫，潺潺流水和徐徐微风；忘记了人类也是大自然的一份子，也有自己原始的一面。摒弃迂腐，归类为文明，并非坏事；饮水忘了思源，却也忘了自己。

太多技巧、刻意矫正的声音显得做作。随心表达、简简单单还是最美的。

蒲公英

有人认为蒲公英很浪漫；随风飘荡，无拘无束。

有人认为蒲公英很无奈；看似自由，其实身不由己。

对我而言，它很自己；

任由风带走自己的一切，却也带不走那坚强的内心。

无论外表变成怎样，失去多少，最真的心依然还在。